Ummm, my life?

It's funny, I tried to post on myspace, but I just couldn't get started. For some reason I always find it easier to post here than there. Maybe it's because more people read and comment on here... hmmm.

First of all, I apologize for my cryptic post last time and for the long silence since. I've been going through a lot, and some of it was stuff that had to be just between myself and the L-rd. I'm sorry, too, if I've seemed more distant than usual. When I'm struggling I usually try to pull away from most people. It's not that I don't care about everyone anymore, it's just that I don't have the energy to care as much as I want to. I think I'm coming out on the other side though, so hopefully I will be better at staying in touch. For those of you who have been wondering here's basically what I've been up to the past few months.

Just before I had planned to start school with the girls, their mom told me that she was ready to take on their school work again and that I was free to do whatever I wanted. It was a really good thing that she wanted to be more active in her girls' education again, but very difficult for me. Transitions are hardest for me when I'm not prepared for them, and I wasn't expecting that transition until Dec, when I had planned to return to Wichita, look for a job and prepare to launch the homeschool ministry I'd planned to start. All of a sudden, I had to decide if I was going to go back to Wichita in the fall, or try to do something different. At first, I thought I would stay for a couple of weeks and then head back to Wichita, but after much prayer, I became convinced that this was not the right time for me to return to Wichita. Maybe later, but not now.

I actually ended up staying with a couple of friends there in town and encouraging them during a tough time with a difficult roommate. It was really neat to see the L-rd using me even in something as simple as listening, praying and laughing with friends. After a few weeks, I distinctly sensed Him moving me on and I moved to another town with a friend who is graduating this Dec. Once again, the timing was perfect, and she and I have been able to minister to some of each other's deepest needs. We both have a strong interest in missions and have considered the possiblity of working together, so as to support one another. We'll see how the L-rd leads...

I've been learning a lot about letting G-d be my Abba (Hebrew for daddy) these last few weeks. I tried to find a job when I stopped teaching the girls, but wasn't able to find one. Over and over, I have He has whispered to my spirit, "trust me". He has placed me perfectly to bless and minister to others with my time and my talents, opportunities I wouldn't have had if I had found a job when I began looking. Little by little, I think I am beginning to trust. I am learning to take my needs directly to him instead of relying on my own resources. I'm learning to acknowledge that my finances are not truly within my control. And I'm learning to be creative with the resources I do have. All my needs have been met, and I've even been given many luxuries. Some days are still hard, and I long for the freedoms I used to have, but I know I am in His will and that is priceless.

Even though I don't have a 'job', I've been staying busy. The friend I've been staying with is taking an advanced placement Spanish exam in a couple of weeks, so I've been helping her get ready for that. I've also been helping her out with house-hold stuff. As a busy college senior, it's difficult for her to find time to eat and sleep, much less prepare food or keep things clean. I've had fun 'mothering' her (I know, surprise, surprise ;) and making sure she eats at least semi-regularly! I've also been working on a number of sewing projects. I only have a few pieces of fabric with me, so I've had to get creative. Right now I'm almost finished with a spaghetti-strap tank to wear as an undershirt, made from a short-sleeve blouse that was a little too short when I lifted my arms. (The way the tank was cut out makes it longer than the shirt was :) Ummmm, okay, so I've been working on several other projects, but I don't think you all want a detailed explanation of all of them... ;) (Tell me if I'm wrong, I can talk about my projects for hours. I just don't want to bore you all) I've also been enjoying the opportunity to learn more Israeli folk dances. I've always enjoyed it, but this is the first time I've lived in an area that had regular opportunities to be involved. Hopefully I'll learn them well enough to actually remember them!!! (and my sister hopes, to teach them to her ;)

I'd like to say what my plans are for the next few months, but at this point, I'm just not sure. It isn't likely that I'll be moving back to Kansas anytime soon, but I'm not sure where I will be going. Florida is the most likely option right now, but there are no guarantees. I also don't know what's going to happen with the homeschool ministry. It's still very important to me, but I've run into a lot of complications. I still think it will happen someday, but maybe right now isn't the time. We'll see...

Whew! I think I managed to cover all the major things! Sorry about the mega-post. I'll try to write more frequently (and less long-windedly) in the future. And now, I have a post to copy over onto myspace! yea!

topsy-turvy

On Sunday my world turned upside down.

Oh, don't worry, it wasn't anything tragic or terrible, just terribly unexpected and disconcerting. I really can't go into all the details here. I wish I could, but it's just too complicated...

Basically, I have to make a lot of decisions in the next couple of weeks before I run out of money. I have lots of options, but I'm having a really hard time making any real decisions. The last time I made an important decision it turned out to be very painful. Now, I don't trust myself. What if I make the wrong choice? What if I set myself up for another round of pain and grief? I don't think I can handle any more right now. All I want right now is someone very much larger than myself to pick me up, hold me tight, and promise me that it will all be okay soon. I want someone who is very wise and very good and loves me a whole bunch to tell me what I should do and when. I want to know that someone will be there to pick me up if I fall down. Right now, I feel very alone.

I think that I have changed, these past few months. My heart has become so... cold. I can't really explain it, but I don't know who I am supposed to be anymore...

Come see me!

Life Changes

Hello Everyone. It’s been a while since I talked to you all last, so here’s an update to the crazy journey I’m calling my life…

1. I’m starting a ministry to homeschooling families called Tikvah Homeschool Ministry. My goal is to assist parents toward autonomously home schooling their own children in a manner consistent with godly principles, each child’s unique abilities and the family situation. That last part – the family situation is really the part that makes this ministry unique. I have a vision to help families that are facing unusual challenges in home schooling. That’s basically what I’ve done with this family I’ve traveled with for the past year.
2. I want to help families to home school their own children, so it’s time for me to transition the family I’m with now back to home schooling their own children. Right now, I’m planning to be finished with them this December.
3. Then, I’m moving back to Wichita for at least a semester. I want to take a few classes and I need some time around familiar people and places for a little while. So, if anyone knows of:
1. A cheap car I could buy
2. An inexpensive place I could live
3. A part-time job that I wouldn’t have to work on Saturdays or
4. A home schooling family in the area that needs some help
   Please let me know.
4. I’m trying to get to Wichita for the last weekend in July and the first weekend in August. If things work out (transportation issues), My schedule will be kind of tight, but I really want to see everyone, so try to keep some time free for me.

God moment

So I just had a cool God-moment and I wanted to share it, but everyone here is busy, so… I’m going to share with you all, my dear blog readers. J For once, you get a happy post instead of depressed one.

…So anyways, I was praying this morning about what God might want me to do in my next season, and I started dreaming. I can’t share yet what I think is coming next, but I started to get really excited about it. Now, my mom has teased me since I was little that when I get excited about a new project I want to start it yesterday. All my life, that has irritated her and my dad, because they have different personalities and are more hesitant to dig into big projects. So… I’m getting all excited about this new dream of mine, but it’s going to be awhile before I can start on it. I’m not sure how long God will ask me to continue ministering with Zemer Levav, but I can’t start this new thing until I’m finished where I am (which will be at least several more months). I was sheepishly trying to temper my enthusiasm and ask God to help me stay focused on where I am, when all of a sudden I knew something I had not known before. He wasn’t irritated! It didn’t frustrate him that I was so eager to start on a new project! He made me that way! Sure, I need to be faithful to my present commitment, and wait for his timing, but it’s a good thing that I want to jump into a new form of ministry with both feet! This was a totally new thought to me, as I used to think that he usually just rolls his eyes at me when I get excited. But he likes it! He wants me to get excited about new ministries and new beginnings! So… I don’t know what that means, but it was a cool moment for me, and I wanted to share it.

Have a great day everyone!